About four weeks ago, I tried something new. I started an eight-week beginner wheel class at the newish ceramics studio in our neighborhood. Had I thought about taking a class like this before? A little, but not really. I walked by the place occasionally and thought, “Maybe someday I’ll try a class there.” Then, four weeks ago, on a whim, I checked whether there were any beginner classes coming up. They all started that week. I told myself it was "a sign from the Universe,” which is not something I’d normally tell myself when investing hundreds of dollars and a weekly time slot on my calendar, but I was feeling the spirit of spontaneity.
I’d been seeing and reading a lot about trying new hobbies, and being okay with trying things that you aren’t necessarily good at. Nora McInerny, host of the podcast Terrible, Thanks for Asking and one of my favorite internet personalities, has written a couple of times about making mistakes and doing things that you aren’t good at (yet), and I thought, what a great way to challenge my perfectionism. I’ll try something I don’t know how to do, and it’ll be so rewarding when I see that I’m actually not bad at it.
Four weeks later, I now know that the last half of that sentence is insane. Not only am I absolutely terrible at pottery, I find it really difficult and frustrating. And not only am I terrible at it, I’m easily one of the very worst, if not the worst in my class. It hasn’t been a cute way to challenge my inner perfectionist, it’s only underscored what a hardcore perfectionist I truly am, who berates myself even for not being good at something I have absolutely no idea how to do.
Writing now, all of this is funny. A few hours ago, when I sat in the studio practicing throwing bowls that had uneven walls and collapsed in on themselves over and over again, I oscillated between pride in every minor improvement and wanting to throw up. I’ve asked myself why they say we can fire five pieces we create before the end of the class when I’ll be lucky if I can even create one? I have a newfound admiration for anyone who does this for fun, because it’s so much harder than it looks.
When I was in school for Education, I had an advisor who always asked a question the past few weeks made me remember. I did well in school, and every advisory period, he’d look over my grades, taking note of my accomplishments, and then would peer over his glasses and ask, “But are you learning, Keelan?” He was trying to remind me that perfection is a superficial illusion. A student can receive straight A’s, but the grades don’t actually indicate that learning happened. You can ace most classes by memorizing and regurgitating information, but real learning, the kind that makes it from your short-term to long-term memory, is so much more complex than that. Perfection is something you do for other people; while learning, you do for yourself.
I wanted to wait until the full eight weeks were done to write about this. I thought about how I’d write about my metamorphosis throughout this process - how I started as an uncoordinated little caterpillar and emerged a pottery-throwing butterfly. But that feels completely phony, because the truth is, I wish I could hide in a cocoon until this class is over. Most of the time, I kind of hate pottery. I’ve wondered whether I’m punishing myself in the name of personal growth. But I think I only feel so frustrated because I assume I can only have fun doing things I’m good at.
Every time I’m in the studio I think of all the people I see on social media who go hang out in their local studios and the cool little things they make that look so symmetrical and polished. Today, I made four “bowls” with wonky, lopsided walls that made me want to yell at God by hour two. In between, I learned more about what I’m doing wrong and how to fix it, if I can ever make my fingers gracefully do what my brain is telling them, all in rhythm with the clay. I’m working on giving up being any “good.” My goal right now is way more important: try having fun while being bad.
We don’t live in a world that encourages or allows people to suck at things. There’s literally a phrase popularized by the internet that says, “It sucks to suck.” Last week, I came across a quote by another educator, John Holt that says, “We learn to do something by doing it. There is no other way.” Social media, YouTube, television, social pressure and expectations, all model another reality, one where none of us tries anything unless we know we’ll find success. Especially in adulthood. Childhood was the time for trying things and finding out what you’re good at, and adulthood is the time to give those things up, relegate them to what little free time you have, or monetize them.
I’ve been embarrassed to tell most people in my life that I’m taking this class, how much I’m stinking up the joint, and how little I’ve improved over the course of a month. After the first class, I texted my best friend about how terrible it, and I, was. The next week, when I texted her that I was there again, she responded, “I’m proud of you for going back.” I don’t know if I’ll have any wobbly little bowls or mugs or vases to show for these eight weeks in another month, but I’m doing it. I’m going back every week, I’m doing it, and I’m learning about more than just spinning clay.
Hot
Joni Mitchell is back on Spotify - best news ever other than Neil Young also being back on Spotify.
Shark Flexstyle - I’d been using the Revlon One Step to blow dry my hair for about a year, until I realized how much breakage it was causing. A friend recently sent me the Shark Flexstyle and I’ve used it once and already notice a huge difference. Not to mention it’s the coolest most-futuristic hair tool I’ve ever used. I have never used a Dyson and I don’t plan to cause $$$ but more power to anyone who uses and loves it!
Dune: Part Two - I loved it. I love Denis Villeneuve.
Bothered
Skin Purging - I recently started a new, stronger retinol and the purge phase is killing me. Using the sandwich method has helped.
I don’t think enough people are talking about the self-proclaimed “Goon Squad,” - 6 Mississippi police officers who were convicted with the longest sentences in American history for police brutality after they were charged for brutally torturing two Black men.
I wish there was more, and more accessible, independently-funded, factually-accurate news.
Leaving you this week with my girl, Joni: