I didn’t think I wanted a bachelorette party. It’s expensive to participate in wedding festivities, and I didn’t want to create a recipe for resentment. I worried that nobody would come, which feels incredibly “woe-is-me,” but it’s uncomfortable to be the center of attention, and I didn’t want get my hopes up and be disappointed. When my friends heard this, their only response was, “We’re having one.” My cousin generously and enthusiastically agreed to let us stay at her Cape house, and everyone I invited immediately responded that they’d love to come. Uncertainty about a traditional “hen,” aside, I wanted a girls trip.
A warning: I say “girls” a lot. I know there’s debate about whether women should be called women or girls, and I’ll give you my unsolicited opinion: they should be called both. Because this essay is very much about girl- and womanhood, I’m using the terms “girl” and “women,” inclusive of all self-identified girls and women. The most common critique is that calling adult women “girls” is infantilizing. I get that girls are children, but that’s only bothersome if you have no respect for children. Keeping the girl in me alive and present makes me a stronger woman, and I believe using the terms interchangeably with definitions of strength, joy, and power challenges misogyny. If you disagree, I welcome it, but it’s unlikely to change my mind.
Girls, this year has been one of the happiest of my life, and one of the hardest. It’s hard to celebrate knowing how many people in the world are suffering. It’s hard to forget the people I’ve lost, especially those I once imagined being part of this time. I’ve been asking myself a lot of questions about friendship. Like love, nobody ever really defines it for us. We learn what it is by doing it. I know female friendships are important because I feel it, but in order to nurture friendships that last, I’ve been searching for better definitions.
In Feminist Theory: From Margin to Center, published in 1984, bell hooks wrote:
In recent years, Sisterhood as slogan, motto, rallying cry no longer evokes the spirit of power in unity… The emphasis on Sisterhood was often seen as the emotional appeal masking the opportunism of manipulative bourgeois white women… Women were wise to reject a false Sisterhood based on shallow notions of bonding… Women are enriched when we bond with one another but we cannot develop sustaining ties or political solidarity using the model of Sisterhood created by bourgeois women’s liberationists. According to their analysis, the basis for bonding was shared victimization, hence the emphasis on common oppression. This concept of bonding directly reflects male supremacist thinking. Sexist ideology teaches women that to be female is to be a victim… Women who are exploited and oppressed daily cannot afford to relinquish the belief that they exercise some measure of control, however relative, over their lives…It would be psychologically demoralizing for these women to bond with other women on the basis of shared victimization. They bond with other women on the basis of shared strengths and resources… It is this type of bonding that is the essence of Sisterhood.
While hooks is referring to Sisterhood as a revolutionary feminist political tool, the concept of Sisterhood refers to the daily practice of relating to other women. In her explanation of the way the term was exploited four decades ago, I see parallels to our current world, where the concept of Sisterhood is often flattened into always supporting other women. hooks argues that solidarity and support aren’t the same thing. In true Sisterhood and solidarity, support can be given and withdrawn, as women are in constant conversation and effort to grow together. I grew up believing that I needed to unconditionally love and support every woman I befriended, no matter how harmful or hard the relationship became. I thought that was the definition of Sisterhood, so what a joyful discovery learning that the true essence of sustainable, transformational, Sisterhood relies on mutually enriching, respectful, non-competitive bonds that honor and celebrate difference.
Growing up, I had one very best friend who was more important to me than any of the others. She was like a sister. I’ve been thinking about her a lot since getting engaged; that in my childhood and teen years I couldn’t imagine this time without her and now she’s not in my life at all. In reflecting on the slow, painful decline of our friendship (and other similar ones) I see the signals that we weren’t sisters after all. Our relationship was isolating, filled with one-way criticism about my flaws, and fundamentally based on my predictably being at her beck-and-call. I was expected to hate who she hated, share her opinions, and put her before anyone else. There wasn’t a lot of room for me in that dynamic, and certainly not much space to grow. There were happy moments too, filled with real love and support, but the more sinister side of our friendship made it destined for failure. I still miss her and wonder if things could’ve been different, but I’m mostly glad it’s over.
Recently, I started listening to Lily Allen’s new podcast for BBC, Miss Me?, which she co-hosts with her childhood best friend and British presenter, Miquita Oliver. What makes Miss Me? special is the history between Allen and Oliver. They’ve been best friends for nearly four decades. They release two shows per week, one where they chat about everything from current events to their daily schedules, and another episode called, “Listen Bitch,” where they answer questions from their audience about a particular theme. In the months since the show premiered, they’ve shared many stories about how they’ve hurt one another, and as someone who abandoned a similar friendship, I’m floored that they’ve preserved theirs along with so much obvious love for each other. Listening to their honest dialogue, it’s clear they’re both committed to personal growth, mutual respect, and honest communication. It’s beautiful to hear two lifelong best friends who aren’t just sentimentally tolerating each other, they actually like and love one another.
Last week’s episode of “Listen Bitch” was about ghosting, with special guest Billie Eilish, and I came ready. I’ve been ghosted by a best friend, and it was the most painful heartbreak I’ve ever experienced. All three women spoke about friendship and how important it is to protect, preserve, and invest in it. Too often, especially as we age, we wait for the “right occasion,” to get together with friends, and it makes sense. Our schedules get busier and busier, the demands of our world keep us increasingly exhausted, and socializing takes energy. I’ve written here before about the perils of loneliness, and I always think about how easy it is to let time together slip by as we continue accumulating responsibilities that make it harder and harder to make time for each other. Maintaining healthy platonic love requires deliberate, thoughtful, continuous effort, just like romance.
One of the many joys of getting married, and part of why I’d recommend it as an engaged person, is that everyone shows up. We’re lucky to have a lot of wonderful friends, and I’m particularly grateful to have a partner who is, himself, an incredible friend. Seeing Jason so committed to maintaining friendships inspires me. We’re both very conscious of time, and that our physical proximity to our friends might not last forever. We know that the availability we have today will likely change in a year. But this year, I wish I could freeze time for awhile, because we’re more able to get people together with ease as they lovingly prioritize celebrating this special time with us. At each party, I find myself stunned at the love my friends are willingly showering me with. I don’t know how I got so lucky, and I never want to lose sight of that love.
On the last night of my bachelorette, the girls planned a surprise dinner at the house. They brought in an unbelievably talented chef, Taylor Pelton (@tennycooks on IG - you need to hire him), to cook a meal inspired by one of my favorite restaurants. One of my friends picked wines for every course. The girls arranged the backyard furniture into the perfect outdoor lounge set-up, turned on the string lights, got all dressed up, and hooted and hollered while taking photos of me at golden hour. At dinner, I scanned the table, thinking, “I don’t just love these women, I admire them.” I realized I was at my dream dinner party, and I wouldn’t change a single thing about any of the guests.
That feeling emphasizes the necessity of spending time with women. Just like bell hooks talks about, when you experience enriching Sisterhood based on the sharing of strengths and resources, you know it and you feel it. Once you have a taste of that, you want it forever. Spending time with other women who lift you up, make you laugh, who really listen, feels profound, and I’m realizing more and more that it is. The phrase has been repeated so much it’s almost devoid of meaning, except that it’s true: the personal is political. In 1979, Toni Morrison gave a commencement speech at Barnard College called “Cinderella’s Stepsisters.” In it, she said:
In your rainbow journey toward the realization of personal goals, don’t make choices based only on your security and your safety. Nothing is safe. That is not to say that anything ever was, or anything worth achieving ever should be. Things of value seldom are. It is not safe to have a child. It is not safe to challenge the status quo. It is not safe to choose work that has not been done before. Or to do old work in a new way. There will always be someone there to stop you. But in pursuing your highest ambitions, don’t let your personal safety diminish the safety of your stepsister. In wielding the power that is deservedly yours, don’t permit it to enslave your stepsisters. Let your might and your power emanate from that place in you that is nurturing and caring. Women’s rights is not only an abstraction, a cause; it’s also a personal affair. It is not only about “us”; it is also about me and you. Just the two of us.
When I sit with my female friends and talk about the little injustices each of us face, or the bigger ones we collectively face, my friend Cheylsea often says: “The world hates women.” She means it, and there’s truth behind it. But when we get together, just us girls venting, talking, laughing, storytelling, cheering, singing, and dancing, we’re doing something about it. It’s subtle, not revolutionary, and without attention might be easy to miss, but the energy and esteem I gain from girl time transforms my life again and again.
I’m not the first woman to write about the importance of platonic love among women, and I both know and thank God (whoever she is :)) I won’t be the last, because we’re mostly sold a picture of womanhood that aligns with what society wants from us. There are tons of diverse, accurate portraits of womanhood, but those exist against constant marketing by corporations, social platforms, influencers, and celebrities dictating and selling a feminine ideal. One of my favorite quotes by Audre Lorde, says: “The master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house.” The fate of women lies in community with women: Sisterhood. I’m not talking about hacking our way to traditional success by following “girlbosses,” wealthy female politicians, supermodels, or starlets. I’m talking about the care networks that only come from women in communion with each other. Our fates are tied up together, and what better way to foster love between us then celebrating our bonds, in person.
In my mid-twenties, I read Everything I Know About Love by Dolly Alderton. Dolly’s quest for love in her twenties culminates in an observation about appreciating what you already have:
When you’re looking for love and it seems like you might not ever find it, remember you probably have access to an abundance of it already, just not the romantic kind. This kind of love might not kiss you in the rain or propose marriage. But it will listen to you, inspire and restore you. It will hold you when you cry, celebrate when you’re happy and sing All Saints with you when you’re drunk. You have so much to gain and learn from this kind of love. You can carry it with you forever. Keep it as close as you can.
On the morning we left Cape Cod, my maid of honor talked about how this trip made her want a bachelorette if she finds the right person to marry. I was the first to say, “You don’t need love. We’ll just throw you one!” We laughed, but I meant it. Our friendship is enough to deserve its own commemoration. We don’t have to use birthdays, weddings, or achievements to warrant making memories together – I’ll do that just because.
Hot
Ice cream sandwiches - We got some from Buffy’s Ice Cream in Chatham, Cape Cod, but if you’re at just any old store, look for these or these.
Adrianne - For my bachelorette, I got custom pants made by Adrianne. They are an investment, but they are a work of art I will cherish for the rest of my life. She’s incredibly kind and talented and I highly recommend working with her!
Brat
Bothered
Light Kid (@light4079 on IG)- I’m not bothered by this but it would’ve been weird to put it in the hot section lol I’ve become fascinated by this kid whose parents help him record watching lights turn off at various places and post on Instagram. It’s just so pure and earnest and niche, and reminds me of the best corners of the internet and how far we’ve strayed from the early random light-heartedness that used to seem more common in digital spaces
It’s hard to spread our attention across all of the many devastating situations in the world, but the least we can do is try. I’ve been learning more about the current situations in Sudan and the Democratic Republic of Congo, and it’s hard to feel hope in a world so unfair.
You made it! I leave you with this: